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So is my house singing, Yes and NO, my to do list is getting done but no thanks to my husband, now in general he is and has been a good hardworking husband who provides for us enough that we have two vehicles and our home which are paid for, and i get to stay home with our kids. Now having said that since the baby has come home he has been an ASSHOLE.. mind you yes i understand he is tired cause yes he does work all day BUT ... he doesnt get up at night with the baby and is in bed every night by TEN p.m.He has dinner on the table MOST nights when he comes home. Since I had a c-section I cant lift heavy things and I cant drive for three weeks, So he has to take our 3yr old to preschool on his way to work. carry in all the wood for the stove making sure he has little sticks in so i can keep the fire goin during the day and haul trash. a few little things that i cant do that spur world war three it seems. I cant ask him to hold the baby while i change my 2 yr olds diaper (whom i have to lift up to put on the bed and wieghs 30 lbs.not supposed to be lifting more than 10lbs ) or to change the diaper cause he gets so pissed and says "why do i have to do Fing everything around here, get off your ass you fat lazy bitch and do something" ok so while im "doing nothing" and "sitting on my fat lazy ass" aka keeping the house clean , dinner cooked and nursing a two week old baby.. it really up sets me he only cares about sleeping or having time so he can read magazines instead of spending time with his kids and screaming at them and calling them "fucking little brats" yes he even said it to the BABY when she woke him up crying one night while i was changing her diaper.. he never uses their names just calls them that. he is ALWAYS yelling at them to move out of the way or SHUT UP .. he started tucking them in and reading them a story a year ago now when they ask him to do this he gets pissed.. SO have any of you other moms experienced this bumpy transition period after a new baby has come? i dont know what has gotten in to him.. he was never this bad before.. and where the hell is MY free time.. oh ya i dont get any.. GRR.. im a little frustrated..and he wonders why i dont feel up to " giving him just a little".and am so "bitchy" all the time.. really are men THAT STUPID??? so now i m done ranting and raving thanks for reading.. sorry for the language..but i feel i little better now.. hope your home are all singing..all and any advice is welcome..
I just came over from Nan's place. I am so sorry about all of the strife going on in your home. It sounds like your husband does have a lot of good points that you listed, but the other stuff is incredibly hurtful.
ReplyDeleteWhen we first married, my husband was under a lot of pressure and took a lot of his anger out on me. I went through years of resentment, but after years of praying and working through my own mess, God has changed his heart too.
God sees what you do and He sees what you're going through. Cry out to Him and try to bite your tongue where your husband is concerned. Do you know Angela at http://www.freespirithaven.com/ ??? If not, go meet her. She has been in your shoes and she talks about it and how things have changed.
Ok, more advice than you ever wanted.
I pray today will be smooth sailing for you.
Love,
Beth
Oh my girl..have I experienced this? ummmmmmmmm...YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Wow..are our husband's twins? Separated at birth? Siamese maybe and went under the knife?
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your post it brought memories back when I brought our third child home...Oh my girl..I remember just BAWLING..I came home 12 hours after giving birth to our daughter. I was EXTREMELY sick with colitis and hubby was well like your hubby..Gotta go..daycare children have arrived..will come back later..
(((Hugs))
I can see how you are aware, even through your frustration, of all the things that your hubby does do for you. That is good. Clearly he doesn't read your blog and that is good too, lol! ;0)
ReplyDeleteBut I can see how hurtful it is when he calls you or the children names. That is very hurtful, I agree, and wounds the spirit. Calling names attacks a person's self worth and is never productive.
Do you think that he is stressed by all the expenses involved with adding a new baby, and that maybe his anxiety is coming out in anger?
A man feels a strong desire and need to provide for his family. Just as you feel a strong need and desire to care for and nurture your children.
As the provider, he is liable to feel a lot of pressure right now. I know that after we had our second child, we were financially stretched.
Though my hubby did not act as your husband did, I could see that the pressure was getting to him in other ways. He felt such pressure to provide for us and did have some worries as to how he was going to do that.
Sometimes they can feel like a failure if they can't provide, and it makes them feel bad.
Sometimes, pressures get to us and our frustrations come out in other ways. The outbursts and the things he says may not be indicative of what he's feeling inside.
There are also bound to be adjustments as you both learn to adjust to having another child, and redefining what that means in regards to roles and expectations (as well as hormones, being tired, etc).
I have to admit that I did not expect my husband to get up in the middle of the night with the children (although he did offer occasionally), or to do any help around the house (except for things I didn't know how to do).
I considered that to be my "job" while his job was outside the home working. However, when he did come home, I did think that we should share in parenting duties, which we did.
As hurtful as his words are, and as hard as it is, I would encourage you to build up your hubby right now, as opposed to tearing him down. I know you were just venting and upset. You already built him up in the beginning of your posts by stating all the good things he did.
Remember those things, and be thankful for them. Perhaps if you just encourage him and thank him for all he does, some of what he's really feeling will come out in the "safe" environment that you provide with your words, and you can talk and get at what he's really feeling. Maybe he's just really stressed at work right now or worried about bills?
Doesn't mean his response is right. However, what you really want to do is make sure that YOUR response is right. You are only responsible for your actions and words, not his.
The Bible says that "A soft answer turns away wrath" and that is really true.
Anger feeds anger, but love calms it down. Love convicts and love builds. I'll be praying for your day!
Oh, I hopped over from Tackle It Tuesdays. YIKES! I went through something similar with my husband before bringing home our first child and the next couple weeks after. There could be many reasons for the verbal abuse but there is no reason to allow your little ones to be subjected to it.
ReplyDeleteI know (oh how I know) how tough this is. If you believe in prayer, I would advise to start praying at every waking moment for God's help in not lashing back but being able to be calm and respectful for the position God has granted him in your family if you are struggling with that (oh, boy did I!). Then something else I had to learn to do was calmly take my child out of the room or leave the house and explain in a calm, kind manner why I was leaving the room or house. It was a pain but I learned that for the sake of my child I would not allow him to be called names by anyone especially the one that is suppose to love him - his Daddy. AND I have too much value(you do to) to allow anyone to speak to me this way - you wouldn't let a stranger on the street why would you allow the man you love. I'll be praying for you. It's amazing how God has changed me and my husband so much in the last year and a half. We've got a long way to go and still get a little tense towards each other in front of our little one but are working on it and have ceased fire on any 'bad' words.
Maybe that's something else you could request from him at a time when things aren't ugly, ask if he would agree to no longer use those words towards you or the children and if he does not agree say, "I do not mean any disrespect toward you especially with all you do for our family and me but I will not tolerate being spoken to that way or allowing our children to be spoken to that way and will quietly exit the room anytime those words start coming out. I do not want to treat you disrespectfully but will have to leave when those types of words are spoken." PS this will really really make him mad at first b/c he might fear you will leave him; just reassure your love to him and maybe even ask to go to a Christian counselor(even if he won't go with you)
Hope this isn't too long! OH, one other resource you might check out or buy is "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Egglerich.(I think that's how to spell his name)
Hope this helps!
Oh my goodness!! My husband was just like this when my daughter was born. It was awful. It was the only time in our marriage that I have been really unhappy with him. In the end it boiled down to him feel unconnected to both me and my daughter.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest piece of advice is to give both you and him some space. Take time and give time. I know it sounds all blah blah blah but really in the end it took time. I told my husband how he was acting. I yelled at him. I told him I did not know how we were ever going to continue our marriage if he did not love me or our new daughter. It was so bad and now I just wish I had given it time.
It will get better. I don't know you and this is my first visit to your blog so this will sound weird but feel free to email me and vent if you need to.
You will not like this comment, but . . .
ReplyDeletefocus on the good. Stop feeding the negative.
Change the two year's diaper on the floor.
Don't vent in public -- yes a blog is public!
Remember to treat him the way you want o be treated even when his behavior doesn't merit it.
If you have three very young children, you can be sure he is feeling just as much stress and pressure as you.
Just for the record, I have been married 21 years and have three children all born by ceserean that are now teenagers.
to anonymous.. are you going to hire the crane to get me up off the floor? I cant get up and down in to the floor with out help. i was not just merely venting i was asking people for advice on how i might be able to FIX this problem i have already been threw one divorce don't plan on having another.i said till death do us part and i MENT it..and its my blog and i will write what i want if you dont like what i write feel free to visit someone elses blog..
ReplyDeleteI agree Mistie, it is your blog and it is your business what you write. Sometimes it is really what you need to do, is write down the words and then you will feel better. You did give the good points of your husband and men can just be a pain in the arse sometimes. I have been married 41 years and have gone through everything imaginable. Hang in there, he mostly likely is feeling a little left out and although you know he doesn't really need attention he is a man and that is how they think. They do not multi function like a female. They have brains with boxes and each box only has one specific thing in it. Right now he is in his "me" box. You know in your heart he is not meaning to call the children names he is just venting too. I know it is sometimes overwhelming but give it time and just don't talk to him. That is what I do when we are having a fight, I just go silent and it drives him NUTS! Don't let the kids hear you fighting and that is another reason for keeping silent. My husband never changed one diaper, never babysat for a minute, and never did any housework. I was only 23 with three kids and four counting him. By and by he grew up and became a good father and a great husband. He worked so hard and provided for us until the kids were in school and then I went to work too. He loved his children very much but he was basically from old school and one of 9 children so he relied a litte too much on me. In the end it all worked out and I am sure you and hubby will deal with this soon. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWow,
ReplyDeleteNot sure ANYONE is going to agree with me on this but......
There is NO way anyone would be allowed to speak to me the way he is speaking to you. Baby, busy life, or otherwise. I work, my husband works and is going to school...and we have a full house.
Not on his WORST day would he even think about acting like that...and in front of the kids? PLEASE!!!!!
Do you want your kiddos growing up with that as an example? I know I don't! Do you want your boys growing up thinking that is how they should treat girls they date in high school, and the woman they marry? I'm sure you don't.
If your hubby's actions don't change, and quick....I'd be packing my bags and heading out.
I know you said you've been through 1 divorce already....but think of your children! I speak from experience when I say 'the children' are not a reason for you to STAY in an abusive relationship, they are a reason for you to get out of one.
If he continues to be verbally abusive to you and your kids.....you really need to think about why you are still there.
Would he go to counseling? If not paid counseling, possibly through your church?
I know everyone is preaching about 'god will fix this' and 'god will fix that'....but you have to do a little yourself, you know?
Will he talk rationally with you about the situation?
If you can't get through to him that he needs to STOP dealing with his 'issues' the way he is dealing with them...and start dealing with them in a way that is healthy for all....I strongly feel that the abuse is going to escalate from verbal to physical....
-Just my thoughts....